I just posted my blog about what it feels like to have someone "have my back." I want to expand on some parts of growing up.
There came a point growing up that I realized something. I don't know what my age was when I realized this truth in my life.
I do remember one spring night in Montana so it must have been middle school. I was taking the garbage out through the backyard to the alley. As I walked out and I looked up at the stars I had a truth attack. I knew that I was an alien who had been dropped off on the planet by my alien parents and they had forgotten to come back to pick me up.
Realize I was this incredibly sensitive kid who was starting to go out for team sports. I was somewhat of a jock with Hemingway thoughts. When I got to the locker room, it was filled with my track teammates and they went on and on about scoring with girls, about drinking, and finding ways to put atomic heat on sensitive parts of each other's bodies. I was appalled. It was like being dropped in the middle of a group of humans who just recently had learned to walk upright. I was at a point where my choice would always be about spending time with a group of girls because they made sense, they were kind, and they smelled good.
I knew these male people were not from my tribe. In addition, I didn't understand how they operated. I did not in any way, shape, or form understand feelings. It felt like I had a board and on it were feelings and I was observing what feelings occurred at what point in time.
I realized if I wanted to fit in somewhat I had better come up with a way to blend in. This was the period of my life that I actually thought about sending a letter to the CIA. I would explain since I had no feelings I could be a perfect spy and fake all my feelings in any situation.
This is what I was doing. I would see a situation come up in which observing people I would see the reaction which might produce what appeared to be a sad feeling. I would then know anytime that situation came up this would be my response feeling. In this way I eventually developed an entire set of appropriate feelings for all situations.
This is another area where my ten years of Adlerian workshops saved my life. I eventually realized there is an overlay of feeling; I learned to take ownership of the feelings I had.
This gets a little crazy and a little complex and is actually a pretty difficult blog to share. But again since the mid 1980's I have been healing and in doing so have come to the great scene in my head. It is the room I sit in with my ego. My ego is tellling me 'do not look behind the curtain and ignore the spiritual feelings that are behind the curtain.'
Thank God literally that I ignored my ego and pulled back the curtain. I have experienced spirit in a depth I could have never imagined!
During one hypnotherapy training I had such a profound experience of releasing ego and pulling the curtain all the way back and for a period of time I was everything and everywhere.
They actually assigned me a partner because my mind had let go and I was feeling one with everything. It took me a couple hours to come back to a balance of ego and the Divine. It was another experience that changed everything.
I'm not sure I understand always what has happened. I'm not sure about sharing and being this transparent. But I am sure I'm not doing it alone anymore. So this is my vulnerability. This is who I am and this is how I got here. I know there are others of you who had touched similar paths. Thank you God for giving me the opportunity!
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